It's because that Wangji is his roommate, because they've at least spoken enough to know something about one another experiencing a loss of love, that he says something personal even now. When shit's as dire as it is. "You know what the worst damn thing is? It put this memory of someone in my head. Couldn't remember what they looked like. Just that... I knew they thought the world of me."
He frowns at Wangji. "Where do ya even put all that? Where the whole feelin' of bein' cared about just goes away. Like you was tricked? I know I cain't do shit with it now, but-"
WangJi listened to what he said and then nodded his head solemnly. "That, I think, is the cruelest trick. This world gave me memories with another Wei Ying. He is not mine, but... he is at least close. The idea of having memories with someone else entirely..."
He had wondered about that. Now that he had broken the illusion he had seen other Voidtreckers seeming to be in relationships with others. He had wondered what that would feel like to suddenly have that ripped away... but then again, he had when he had lost WuXian.
"Back home, my Wei Ying was killed before I could tell him how I felt. I spent many years missing the connection that had never been. Fate was good to me though."
"On one hand it was a lot easier to handle this emotional bullshit when I was a Ravager. Not all Ravagers were like us, but 'cause I had to keep up this whole with my crew... somethin', we didn't have to talk about it. It was just bein' soft, bein' simple to take down. An' I know it didn't feel good, but now I don't know what I gotta do an' there's gonna be a whole lotta people this place messed up when we get back."
They will get back.
And he knows he's not equipped to deal with it. He knows he's one of the people this place has messed up, he's just compartmentalized it to deal with later. This time more successfully than before, after that goddamn maze.
But he'd never heard that's what happened to Wuxian. That they'd died before the admission. Almost as bad as sputtering it out as last words. "Not lucky enough. You been a good guy. You deserve better luck."
WangJi nodded his head. "Perhaps it will be best to arrange a team meeting where we can talk about this mission, since this one will likely be emotionally hard for everyone."
He believes that they will as well.
"No, not lucky enough. It would have been nicer to never lose him. But I have him now. And you deserve luck as well."
"Yeah.... We make it outa here, how about I talk to Sanzo about it. He's a priest. Should be able to help." Better than an emotionally inept slog like Yondu could. "I know he sticks with Devero a lot, but he's got the religious trainin' to do the comfort thing."
He leans forward like there's a whole weight pulling him down.
"Nah, I don't really." He shakes his head. "Doesn't mean I don't want it, but I don't deserve it, an' I think I resigned myself to not getting it."
He nodded his head. "Yes, he should be able to assist many of our team. I do not wish to burden him, but perhaps he can assist with what issues this place has brought up."
"I see. I still hope that you get it at some point."
Whether he felt he deserved it or not, WangJi thought that he did.
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He frowns at Wangji. "Where do ya even put all that? Where the whole feelin' of bein' cared about just goes away. Like you was tricked? I know I cain't do shit with it now, but-"
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He had wondered about that. Now that he had broken the illusion he had seen other Voidtreckers seeming to be in relationships with others. He had wondered what that would feel like to suddenly have that ripped away... but then again, he had when he had lost WuXian.
"Back home, my Wei Ying was killed before I could tell him how I felt. I spent many years missing the connection that had never been. Fate was good to me though."
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They will get back.
And he knows he's not equipped to deal with it. He knows he's one of the people this place has messed up, he's just compartmentalized it to deal with later. This time more successfully than before, after that goddamn maze.
But he'd never heard that's what happened to Wuxian. That they'd died before the admission. Almost as bad as sputtering it out as last words. "Not lucky enough. You been a good guy. You deserve better luck."
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He believes that they will as well.
"No, not lucky enough. It would have been nicer to never lose him. But I have him now. And you deserve luck as well."
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He leans forward like there's a whole weight pulling him down.
"Nah, I don't really." He shakes his head. "Doesn't mean I don't want it, but I don't deserve it, an' I think I resigned myself to not getting it."
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"I see. I still hope that you get it at some point."
Whether he felt he deserved it or not, WangJi thought that he did.